With my own idea in the back of my mind (that everything is a miracle if you choose to look at it that way), it seems that even more miracles happen every day. Whether this is because I choose to look at these occurrences as miracles, or because of the fact that I am consciously paying attention to meaningful (at least to me) events, which I would have missed if I weren't paying attention, it doesn't really matter. The only thing that is of real importance, is the realization that I am the only one who can make my life more miraculous, more eventful, brighter, happier and anything else that I consider "good" (as opposed to not so good..). You might think that this (taking responsibility for your own life) is easier to say, or write about, than do. Well... keep reading.
When I spoke to a good friend on the phone the other day (who used to work at a law firm 4 days per week), she said: "Oh, you know, I was always complaining that I didn't have time to do the things I really love. I always thought that when I didn't have to go to the office any more, I would do yoga everyday. And I would meditate twice daily and do something creative. And now I am home every day and I still don't do my daily yoga practice, nor do I mediate or do something creative". Since it always seems easier to see other people's patterns than your own (at least it is to me), I said: "So do you realize that the fact that you do or don't do yoga (or anything else that you love, for that matter) has nothing to do with the amount of (free) time you have? The only way to have time to do yoga is when you decide that you have time for it and consciously choose to do it."
Other than time, another big issue for most people seems to be money. I think that many of us think along the lines "Oh, if I only had more money than.. (you can fill it in: I would be happier, my life would be better, etc.) ." When I am not paying attention to my thoughts, I do that too. I tend to think that everything would be easier if I had more money and that I wouldn't have anything to worry about. Well, is that really true? If I had millions in my bank account, a Porsche, a BMW and a yacht in Monaco, would I be worry-free? Most likely not. Because, guess what?: I would probably be worrying about the amount of taxes I would owe, if no one would make a scratch on my shiny cars or if these guys in the south of France know how to take care of my boat the way I would. And to give you a more close-to-home example: every time a financial miracle happens (and yes, they do happen all the time) so I have just the right amount of money I need, I worry if next month such miracle will happen again.
I hear you think. "So what to do? If nothing changes, why bother? If I won't be happier when I get rich, why would I still aspire to be so? Or what about people that actually don't have anything to eat and are really miserable, they would feel better if there circumstances were better, right?" Let me tell you this: the only thing that will actually change anything for the better, is the way you think. The "better" (i.e. happier, less miserable, relaxed, time to do what you love) can only come from inside yourself. When you feel and experience your life as that "better" (take your pick), there is no need anymore to think about more money, more time, more of whatever. You will have everything you need and probably everything you want too. Isn't that a miracle? I think it is.
I know that the next question is "How do I get to feeling "better"?" It is very simple: just change the way you think. "Really? That sounds like a miracle". And it is. To be continued...
Happy miracles to you!
Stay tuned.
Marije
donderdag 9 december 2010
zondag 5 december 2010
Month of Miracles - December 5, 2010
The question "What is a Miracle?" is keeping my thoughts busy these days. I keep thinking about a comment made by one of the women at the Woman's Wisdom meeting. She said: "Music is a Miracle". To be honest, I didn't really understand it. What is miraculous about music? I mean, music can be pretty generic, doesn't it? However, the more I think about it, and the more I listen to music while thinking about it, I think she is right. Not that there is a "right" or "wrong" in this matter (wasn't I the one who said that everything is a miracle if you choose to look at it that way?). I mean, that I agree with her.
This morning, I go out for a "work-out walk" (instead of running I just walk really fast), accompanied by my iPod. I like listening to music when I go walking really fast. The right music gets me in the right mood. Namely, it makes me want to walk really fast, despite the fact that it is very cold outside and that staying inside would have been a good option. Madonna does the trick for me this time. I can walk my really fast steps exactly at the beat of her music. Now, isn't that interesting? What is it that gets me in the right mood? And why would some meditative music not get my walking really fast? Music is music, you'd say. It is just sound and tones, put together in a creative way. So maybe the mood affecting element of the music has something to do with this creativity of the musician?
To my surprise, the dictionary defines music as: "An art of sound in time that expresses ideas and emotions in significant forms through the elements of rhythm, melody, harmony, and color". Color?? I immediately envision the chakras. They are related to color too. Moreover, they respond to music as well. The first chakra, associated with the color red, is stimulated by earthly native music, like drumming. Whereas the fifth chakra, with its blue tint, is energized by very expressive music (think the score Cut Loose from the Footloose movie).
And what about emotions? I think that most people know what it is like when music touches you in a way that it makes you cry. All right, I'll speak for myself: sometimes music even makes me cry (because it is very beautiful or because it brings up some memories, either good or bad). Is it the emotion of the composer that speaks through me?
There is a whole industry that is based on the fact that people are being affected by the sound of music. For that matter: isn't the Sound of Music one on the most popular movies of the last century? Maybe the effect that music has on us is just one miracle. It seems to me that the bigger miracle is the composer creating this music. Where is the music coming from? The composer hears the music in his head and translates that into musical notes that, when being played, create a sound. And when the composer has listened carefully, that sound can be amazing. Beethoven is one of the greatest examples thereof. He was able to compose some of his brilliant musical works of art while being deaf. (Speaking of miracles!) Where is the music coming from? Does it just emerge out of nothing? That sounds like it is coming from some supernatural cause. And that clearly defines a miracle...
Music anyone? Happy Miracles to you!
Stay tuned.
Marije
This morning, I go out for a "work-out walk" (instead of running I just walk really fast), accompanied by my iPod. I like listening to music when I go walking really fast. The right music gets me in the right mood. Namely, it makes me want to walk really fast, despite the fact that it is very cold outside and that staying inside would have been a good option. Madonna does the trick for me this time. I can walk my really fast steps exactly at the beat of her music. Now, isn't that interesting? What is it that gets me in the right mood? And why would some meditative music not get my walking really fast? Music is music, you'd say. It is just sound and tones, put together in a creative way. So maybe the mood affecting element of the music has something to do with this creativity of the musician?
To my surprise, the dictionary defines music as: "An art of sound in time that expresses ideas and emotions in significant forms through the elements of rhythm, melody, harmony, and color". Color?? I immediately envision the chakras. They are related to color too. Moreover, they respond to music as well. The first chakra, associated with the color red, is stimulated by earthly native music, like drumming. Whereas the fifth chakra, with its blue tint, is energized by very expressive music (think the score Cut Loose from the Footloose movie).
And what about emotions? I think that most people know what it is like when music touches you in a way that it makes you cry. All right, I'll speak for myself: sometimes music even makes me cry (because it is very beautiful or because it brings up some memories, either good or bad). Is it the emotion of the composer that speaks through me?
There is a whole industry that is based on the fact that people are being affected by the sound of music. For that matter: isn't the Sound of Music one on the most popular movies of the last century? Maybe the effect that music has on us is just one miracle. It seems to me that the bigger miracle is the composer creating this music. Where is the music coming from? The composer hears the music in his head and translates that into musical notes that, when being played, create a sound. And when the composer has listened carefully, that sound can be amazing. Beethoven is one of the greatest examples thereof. He was able to compose some of his brilliant musical works of art while being deaf. (Speaking of miracles!) Where is the music coming from? Does it just emerge out of nothing? That sounds like it is coming from some supernatural cause. And that clearly defines a miracle...
Music anyone? Happy Miracles to you!
Stay tuned.
Marije
vrijdag 3 december 2010
Month of Miracles - December 3, 2010
As you might imagine, we exchanged many insights on miracles during that Woman's Wisdom night. And as I mentioned before, we obviously addressed the question "What is a miracle?". So, indeed: What is a miracle?
The common conception seems to be that a miracle is something out of the ordinary. An amazing occurrence, like Jesus who walked on water and raised people from the death. According to the dictionary, a miracle is an effect or extraordinary event in the physical world that surpasses all known human or natural powers and is ascribed to a supernatural cause. Well, I don't know about you, but I think that is not a very enlightened way to look at the world. Or at least not very fun. If you think that miracles are fun, that is. (And you may have guessed already that I think they are). (By the way: what is a "supernatural cause"? Isn't that just another word for God/The Universe, or whatever you want to call it?)
I actually think, that everything is a miracle if you choose to look at it that way. When you consciously decide to perceive the world as a child in wonder, miracles happen all the time. Bon Jovi seems to be thinking along the same lines: "Miracles happen every day, change your perception of what a miracle is and you'll see them all around you." Some people may say that it is easy to "fool" yourself, and that is "doesn't work this way". If that were the case (that I'm a fool), I'd rather be a happy fool than unhappily waiting for a miracle to happen...
Okay, let me give you an example: This morning I wake up with this one song that keeps playing in my head. I don't even know the song that well. I heard it only once. I like the song though. I even decide that I should check it out on iTunes later. An hour later, I get in the car and turn the radio on. The last part of some random song comes out of the speakers, and is making room for the next one. When I hear the notes of the next song, I get goose bumps. It is the song that played on my mental radio when I woke up. I think it is a miracle.
Yes, I think it is a miracle. And no, it is not an earth shattering it-blows-your-mind-away kind of miracle. It is a synchronicity that makes me smile. For me, it is a confirmation that I am in tune with the Universe/God/the Bigger Picture, whatever you want to call it. It makes my day a little brighter. And isn't that what we all want, having a bright day?
I can create my own miracles. I think that is a miracle in itself.
Happy miracles to you!
Stay tuned.
Marije
The common conception seems to be that a miracle is something out of the ordinary. An amazing occurrence, like Jesus who walked on water and raised people from the death. According to the dictionary, a miracle is an effect or extraordinary event in the physical world that surpasses all known human or natural powers and is ascribed to a supernatural cause. Well, I don't know about you, but I think that is not a very enlightened way to look at the world. Or at least not very fun. If you think that miracles are fun, that is. (And you may have guessed already that I think they are). (By the way: what is a "supernatural cause"? Isn't that just another word for God/The Universe, or whatever you want to call it?)
I actually think, that everything is a miracle if you choose to look at it that way. When you consciously decide to perceive the world as a child in wonder, miracles happen all the time. Bon Jovi seems to be thinking along the same lines: "Miracles happen every day, change your perception of what a miracle is and you'll see them all around you." Some people may say that it is easy to "fool" yourself, and that is "doesn't work this way". If that were the case (that I'm a fool), I'd rather be a happy fool than unhappily waiting for a miracle to happen...
Okay, let me give you an example: This morning I wake up with this one song that keeps playing in my head. I don't even know the song that well. I heard it only once. I like the song though. I even decide that I should check it out on iTunes later. An hour later, I get in the car and turn the radio on. The last part of some random song comes out of the speakers, and is making room for the next one. When I hear the notes of the next song, I get goose bumps. It is the song that played on my mental radio when I woke up. I think it is a miracle.
Yes, I think it is a miracle. And no, it is not an earth shattering it-blows-your-mind-away kind of miracle. It is a synchronicity that makes me smile. For me, it is a confirmation that I am in tune with the Universe/God/the Bigger Picture, whatever you want to call it. It makes my day a little brighter. And isn't that what we all want, having a bright day?
I can create my own miracles. I think that is a miracle in itself.
Happy miracles to you!
Stay tuned.
Marije
woensdag 1 december 2010
Month of Miracles - December 1, 2010
Tonight, I joined a Woman's Wisdom gathering. This group of women has been meeting every month for 10 years, and discusses a different (spiritual) topic each time. The theme of tonight was: Miracles. Now, there is a lot to say about miracles, and we did. I also could write a lot about miracles, and I will. Hence this blog.
As far as I’m concerned, miracles happen every day and any time. However, for most people it seems that during the December month in particular it is more “miracle time” than usual. (Why that is, is a whole different story, and maybe I will write about that too.) Regardless, I do think that now is a good time to write about miracles. Starting with one of the miracles that happened tonight.
The Wisdom that is being shared amongst the Women tonight is profound. I make mental notes, so I will be able to reproduce it later (and write about it in this blog). After sharing a round of answering the question “What is a miracle?” (yes, I will write about that later), the woman who is guiding our group talks about forgiveness. She tells us about a woman in Rwanda that sees her whole family being killed before her eyes. The most horrible thing ever, you would think. And yet, she forgives the murderers. We talk about the fact that carrying around resentment, grievance, anger or any negative emotions withhold us from living a truly blissful and miraculous live. Suddenly, I realize that I still feel anger against the woman who caused a car accident in which she rear-ended my car, resulting in a lot of pain and suffering on my end (and maybe also on hers, I don’t even know). I realize that I need to forgive her. If the woman in Rwanda can do it, so do I. I decide to write a letter. I am not going to mail the letter. I will do it right here (I like instant results). So (and I take a deep breath), here it goes:
“Dear Mrs. Brennan,
I am writing to you regarding the accident that was caused by you on May 24, last.
I don’t know if you were hurt that day, but if you were I hope you are okay now. I was injured badly. I have suffered a lot, and am still dealing with a lingering injury. I have cursed you many times. I have called you many names. I have wished that you were suffering worse than I was. I have considered suing you for damages. I have thought of many ways to make your live miserable.
I realize that no matter what I do, it will not change what happened. The only thing that I can change is the way I think and feel about it. The accident was just that: an accident. You didn’t cause it on purpose. Therefore, I would like to forgive you for causing the accident. I know that you did not have any intention to hurt me. I am sorry that this unfortunate event happened, also for you. I hope that we will both continue our lives safely and in peace.
Sincerely,
Marije Paternotte”
There it is. My own miracle. And that isn’t even the only one of tonight. Stay tuned for more.
Happy miracles to you!
Marije
maandag 11 oktober 2010
Part 2: Day 1, October 11, 2010
Well, this morning I didn't feel the urge to meditate at all. With the jet leg still lingering, I had slept till late and I wanted to get started with my day. As if meditating is not a start to the day... It didn't get any better when I found that the supposedly 21-days-meditation-challenge Part 2, was not a Part 2 at all. It is just a repetition of the previous challenge, with the exact same meditations and accompanying e-mails. A cosmic joke? Maybe. A challenge? Definitely. I guess the Universe is telling me that I don't need a challenge in order to establish a meditation routine. Or at least I don't need Davidji's daily meditations. After feeling disappointed and frustrated, I realized that I should be able to do this on my own. Right? Just in case, I downloaded the Chopra Center's pod cast and used the Abundance Meditation as my guidance.
I can use some abundance in my life, I am thinking. Not that I am not abundant in many ways, but finances seem to be my challenge at the moment. Especially now that I have my own business and do not receive an identical pay check in the mail every month. So this Abundance Meditation seems to get me two checks in the block: abundance and meditation. Sounds good.
I sit on my yoga block and am instructed to think about 3 things that I am grateful for. Ha, I can come up with more than 3! My thoughts have a good reason to wander off. "There, you see, I am still not good at meditating!" I take a deep breath in and let the air flow out through my nose. I inhale abundance and exhale constriction. I inhale love and exhale fear. I inhale uncertainty and exhale certain pain. To my surprise, this works. Without knowing how to actually breathe in abundance, I can feel myself expanding. And not because I am filling myself with oxygen. At the same time, I wonder if this is really working. If it were, why do I still think I need to do these kind of exercises? Is it necessary to focus on abundance? Aren't we all abundant to begin with? And haven't we just forgotten and are subsequently acting accordingly? Maybe I should stop thinking.
I take another deep breath in and exhale completely. I can do this. I don't need a challenge. I will meditate every day, for the next 20 days. Just by myself. And if I need more food for thought (you never know..) I might reach for some guidance. That guidance might as well come from within. We'll see!
Stay tuned,
Marije
I can use some abundance in my life, I am thinking. Not that I am not abundant in many ways, but finances seem to be my challenge at the moment. Especially now that I have my own business and do not receive an identical pay check in the mail every month. So this Abundance Meditation seems to get me two checks in the block: abundance and meditation. Sounds good.
I sit on my yoga block and am instructed to think about 3 things that I am grateful for. Ha, I can come up with more than 3! My thoughts have a good reason to wander off. "There, you see, I am still not good at meditating!" I take a deep breath in and let the air flow out through my nose. I inhale abundance and exhale constriction. I inhale love and exhale fear. I inhale uncertainty and exhale certain pain. To my surprise, this works. Without knowing how to actually breathe in abundance, I can feel myself expanding. And not because I am filling myself with oxygen. At the same time, I wonder if this is really working. If it were, why do I still think I need to do these kind of exercises? Is it necessary to focus on abundance? Aren't we all abundant to begin with? And haven't we just forgotten and are subsequently acting accordingly? Maybe I should stop thinking.
I take another deep breath in and exhale completely. I can do this. I don't need a challenge. I will meditate every day, for the next 20 days. Just by myself. And if I need more food for thought (you never know..) I might reach for some guidance. That guidance might as well come from within. We'll see!
Stay tuned,
Marije
zondag 10 oktober 2010
Part 2: Day 0, October 10, 2010
After having completed the 21-days-meditation-challenge, I thought I had established a new routine of meditating every morning, or at least some time every day. But then my routine got disturbed: I traveled from the East Coast via Tokyo and Singapore, to teach a yoga retreat on Bali, Indonesia. A journey of more than 30 hours, 12 hours time difference, strange beds to wake up in and on a schedule most of the time. How is that for a challenge?
I found it hard to keep my routine, feeling like I didn't have time to meditate. Even though I am the one who always tells people you don't "have" time, but "make" time... When I did find time to meditate, I used Day 22's Intention Meditation to guide me. The "bonus" meditation Davidji had sent me. I especially loved the part where the meditation focused on a pulsating white light in my heart. With that, I felt such a strong connection with the Universe that it made up for not meditating every day. And eventually, something even more interesting happened.
One day, after finishing the yoga retreat and being on a little island of the coast of Bali, I suddenly felt very strongly the need to meditate. I realized that the reason why I was feeling "weird" that day, was because my energy was scattered. I needed to ground and focus. So I used a rock on the beach as a substitute for my yoga block, sat up straight and closed my eyes. After only 5 minutes of concentrating on my breathing and visualizing a pulsating white light in my heart, I felt like a different person. Much better, that is. I was amazed. I mean, I already knew that meditating is a good thing to do, for many reasons, but I had never felt this urge before, let alone the immediate effect of the meditation afterwards. I guess the 21 days of meditation had some belated and unexpected rewards.
When I saw that there would be a 21-days-meditation-challenge Part 2, I didn't hesitate to sign up. Being back home, and still with a jet lag, I thought I could use some assistance to get back into my meditation routine. Besides, who knows what other surprises will be bestowed?
Stay tuned,
Marije
I found it hard to keep my routine, feeling like I didn't have time to meditate. Even though I am the one who always tells people you don't "have" time, but "make" time... When I did find time to meditate, I used Day 22's Intention Meditation to guide me. The "bonus" meditation Davidji had sent me. I especially loved the part where the meditation focused on a pulsating white light in my heart. With that, I felt such a strong connection with the Universe that it made up for not meditating every day. And eventually, something even more interesting happened.
One day, after finishing the yoga retreat and being on a little island of the coast of Bali, I suddenly felt very strongly the need to meditate. I realized that the reason why I was feeling "weird" that day, was because my energy was scattered. I needed to ground and focus. So I used a rock on the beach as a substitute for my yoga block, sat up straight and closed my eyes. After only 5 minutes of concentrating on my breathing and visualizing a pulsating white light in my heart, I felt like a different person. Much better, that is. I was amazed. I mean, I already knew that meditating is a good thing to do, for many reasons, but I had never felt this urge before, let alone the immediate effect of the meditation afterwards. I guess the 21 days of meditation had some belated and unexpected rewards.
When I saw that there would be a 21-days-meditation-challenge Part 2, I didn't hesitate to sign up. Being back home, and still with a jet lag, I thought I could use some assistance to get back into my meditation routine. Besides, who knows what other surprises will be bestowed?
Stay tuned,
Marije
donderdag 9 september 2010
September 9, 2010, The after-math
The 21-Day-Meditation-Challenge ended a week ago. Have I been meditating since? Yes. Have I gotten any better at it? No. Do I have the best intentions? I do. So what exactly did I win by doing this challenge and completing it too?
First of all, let me repeat what I hoped the challenge would bring me. I was hoping for peace. Inner peace and a quiet mind. Better yet, to not have any thoughts at all. Well, soon enough I found out that there is no such thing as not having thoughts. Not having thoughts would mean being dead. Now that could potentially be Nirvana too, but not the kind I was looking for. So I accepted that it is okay to have thoughts while I meditate. I meditate and I have thoughts. That is just the way it is. At least for now.
Furthermore, the challenge has brought me something unexpected. The answer to the question: what do I want? (And it is not: being pissed off!) I want to inspire people. I want to inspire the whole world. I want everyone to be inspired to be the most enlightened version of themselves. To act from love, rather than reacting from fear. To know that a couple of deep breaths will make a difference between a fight and letting go. That being happy is more important than being right.
How am I going to do that? How am I going to inspire the world? I don't know. During those 21 days I have found though, that something inside me has changed. My connection with the Universe has become more palpable (if that is possible). That I am more "in the flow" and that meditating helps me being a better person. I think of Ghandi when I say that in order to change the world, I have to start with myself. I am started. Thoughts or not. How is that for a winner? I'd call it a win-win.
Stay tuned.
Marije
First of all, let me repeat what I hoped the challenge would bring me. I was hoping for peace. Inner peace and a quiet mind. Better yet, to not have any thoughts at all. Well, soon enough I found out that there is no such thing as not having thoughts. Not having thoughts would mean being dead. Now that could potentially be Nirvana too, but not the kind I was looking for. So I accepted that it is okay to have thoughts while I meditate. I meditate and I have thoughts. That is just the way it is. At least for now.
Furthermore, the challenge has brought me something unexpected. The answer to the question: what do I want? (And it is not: being pissed off!) I want to inspire people. I want to inspire the whole world. I want everyone to be inspired to be the most enlightened version of themselves. To act from love, rather than reacting from fear. To know that a couple of deep breaths will make a difference between a fight and letting go. That being happy is more important than being right.
How am I going to do that? How am I going to inspire the world? I don't know. During those 21 days I have found though, that something inside me has changed. My connection with the Universe has become more palpable (if that is possible). That I am more "in the flow" and that meditating helps me being a better person. I think of Ghandi when I say that in order to change the world, I have to start with myself. I am started. Thoughts or not. How is that for a winner? I'd call it a win-win.
Stay tuned.
Marije
woensdag 1 september 2010
September 1, 2010, Day 21
Today is the last day of the meditation challenge. Have I been looking forward to this day? Actually..., no. I have found it very convenient to sit and just listen to Davidji. Not only convenient, but also nice. Very nice. Davidji's voice has become so familiar now. Even though he annoyed me at times, his voice is always soothing and reassuring. So... I feel a bit nostalgic about this last day. And I am still not sure whether I can call myself a "good" meditator by now.
I sit against the couch with my iPod. My thoughts are with me. Davidji recites a poem by Rumi. The words are beautiful, but I miss half of them. I am not really paying attention. I am distracted. I am doing my best to stay focused. I am thinking about tomorrow: "How am I ever going to meditate for 30 minutes twice a day, as suggested by the Chopra Center, if I can't even do it for less time while holding Davidji's hand?" I remind myself that it is normal to have thoughts and that I am meditating anyway. "Okay, just inhale and exhale."
"Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?" No matter how often I repeat this question, I don't get an answer. I do know the answer though, but I think that that doesn't count. I mean, shouldn't the answer come from within? Or by way of some big revelation accompanied with bright flashing lights and heavenly fragrances?
"What do I want? What do I want? What do I want?" I want my leg to stop falling asleep. I want my thoughts to go away. I want to not answer the question. "What is my Dharma"? I give up. I know the answer to this question too. It's just not really working for me today. I want to sit and think about nothing. I breathe in and I breathe out.
"Aham Brahmasmi". There, Davidji just gave the answer. And with that, the 21-day-meditation-challenge has come to an end. It is bitter and sweet, good and bad, a relieve and a disappointment, a joy and a sorrow. It is what it is. Have I gotten from this experience what I expected, or hoped for? Have I won what I wanted to win? I think I have to meditate on these questions some more....
Stay tuned.
Marije
I sit against the couch with my iPod. My thoughts are with me. Davidji recites a poem by Rumi. The words are beautiful, but I miss half of them. I am not really paying attention. I am distracted. I am doing my best to stay focused. I am thinking about tomorrow: "How am I ever going to meditate for 30 minutes twice a day, as suggested by the Chopra Center, if I can't even do it for less time while holding Davidji's hand?" I remind myself that it is normal to have thoughts and that I am meditating anyway. "Okay, just inhale and exhale."
"Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?" No matter how often I repeat this question, I don't get an answer. I do know the answer though, but I think that that doesn't count. I mean, shouldn't the answer come from within? Or by way of some big revelation accompanied with bright flashing lights and heavenly fragrances?
"What do I want? What do I want? What do I want?" I want my leg to stop falling asleep. I want my thoughts to go away. I want to not answer the question. "What is my Dharma"? I give up. I know the answer to this question too. It's just not really working for me today. I want to sit and think about nothing. I breathe in and I breathe out.
"Aham Brahmasmi". There, Davidji just gave the answer. And with that, the 21-day-meditation-challenge has come to an end. It is bitter and sweet, good and bad, a relieve and a disappointment, a joy and a sorrow. It is what it is. Have I gotten from this experience what I expected, or hoped for? Have I won what I wanted to win? I think I have to meditate on these questions some more....
Stay tuned.
Marije
dinsdag 31 augustus 2010
August 31, 2010, Day 20
Day 20 of the challenge. And a real challenge it is. When I am done with my yoga practice, B. says that there is no meditation email and that the meditation is not posted on the Chopra website either. I don't bother to check it and suggest we do our own meditation. After all, we are almost pros now. I put on the Brian Lobst's Sound Meditation track. The one with the singing bowls that Davidji uses all the time.
I sit on my block and take a deep breath in. While I exhale I settle for my meditation. This is the moment all my thoughts have been waiting for. No Davidji who distracts my mind and keeps me from thinking. So there they are again: my thoughts. They fly around like butterflies. They don't have a steady direction but seem to be all over the place. I wonder if I can catch them with a butterfly net. But my thoughts run off, imagining a butterfly net and how I would catch them. "Mmm, if the thoughts are thinking about how they can be caught, who is catching them? And won't my thoughts always be quicker than the catcher? Who is there first? The thought, or the thought that wants to catch the thought? Oh, this gets confusing!" At least I know now, that I am still meditating. I mean, the fact that I am having all these thoughts doesn't mean I am not meditating. Actually, that is another thought I have: buried under all these thoughts must be the meditator somewhere. After almost 10 minutes, I imagine my head being this crystal ball with water that you can shake, and which makes the snow swirl around. Eventually, the snow settles and the water is clear again. It takes me these full 10 minutes to have the swirling thoughts in my head settle down. And then I have had enough. I say a silent "Aham Brahmasmi".
O my, how am I going to do this after the challenge is really over? How can I meditate with ease and without Davidji? I have one more day to practice.
Stay tuned.
Marije
PS. The irony is, that after I'm done and I check my email, it turns out that the Day 20 email was there all the time. I guess this was a cosmic test: to see whether I am ready for Life-after-the-Challenge...
I sit on my block and take a deep breath in. While I exhale I settle for my meditation. This is the moment all my thoughts have been waiting for. No Davidji who distracts my mind and keeps me from thinking. So there they are again: my thoughts. They fly around like butterflies. They don't have a steady direction but seem to be all over the place. I wonder if I can catch them with a butterfly net. But my thoughts run off, imagining a butterfly net and how I would catch them. "Mmm, if the thoughts are thinking about how they can be caught, who is catching them? And won't my thoughts always be quicker than the catcher? Who is there first? The thought, or the thought that wants to catch the thought? Oh, this gets confusing!" At least I know now, that I am still meditating. I mean, the fact that I am having all these thoughts doesn't mean I am not meditating. Actually, that is another thought I have: buried under all these thoughts must be the meditator somewhere. After almost 10 minutes, I imagine my head being this crystal ball with water that you can shake, and which makes the snow swirl around. Eventually, the snow settles and the water is clear again. It takes me these full 10 minutes to have the swirling thoughts in my head settle down. And then I have had enough. I say a silent "Aham Brahmasmi".
O my, how am I going to do this after the challenge is really over? How can I meditate with ease and without Davidji? I have one more day to practice.
Stay tuned.
Marije
PS. The irony is, that after I'm done and I check my email, it turns out that the Day 20 email was there all the time. I guess this was a cosmic test: to see whether I am ready for Life-after-the-Challenge...
maandag 30 augustus 2010
August 30, 2010, Day 19
Day 19 of the meditation challenge. "Am I supposed to see colors when I meditate?", I wonder when I read the title of today's email: "I see colors!". I don't. I mean, I usually don't see colors when I meditate, unless I do a guided meditation and I am guided to visualize a path in the woods, or something similarly symbolic. Then yes, I would see a full-color movie in my mind's eye. Have I missed something during the first 18 days? To my relieve, the email continues to say that we "sometimes" see colors while we meditate. "Okay, good". I do get excited though, when I read that today's meditation will be about the chakras. The energy centers in the body. I have studied the chakras (that is: my own, as well as in general) extensively, so I am curious what the meditation will be like.
I lie down on my yoga mat. I am not cheating. It is Davidji's suggestions that I gladly follow. Davidji talks me through all the seven chakras. Calling them by name, their color, pointing out the issues involved, and chanting the seed sound connected with it. I feel the physical location of each chakra, and I "see" the color of it surrounding my body. I chant the sounds in unison with Davidji. It feels like I am tuning my energy system, like you would do with a musical instrument: Root chakra, red, grounding, "LAM"; Second chakra, orange, sexuality and creativity, "VAM"; Third chakra, yellow, will power, "RAM"; Heart chakra, green, unconditional love, "YAM"; Throat chakra, blue, truth, "HUM"; Third eye, purple "SHAM" (I must say that I get a little distracted here, since I have learned that the sound of this chakra would be "OM", but oh well..); Crown chakra, white, spiritual connection, "OM" (confusion again: "Isn't the sound here silence? As in: no sound? Okay, maybe I shouldn't be thinking and be quiet...".).
At the end of the meditation, it is as if there is a layer of energy hovering above my body. Like the mirage above the road on a hot day. I am not sure what it means, but it doesn't matter. It feels good, even though the meditation is different from what I have done in the past 18 days. There was no silence. No Gap to step into. No nothingness. Interestingly enough, the effect of the meditation is the same. I feel peaceful. And that is exactly what I am after anyways. Only two days more to go.
Stay tuned.
Marije
I lie down on my yoga mat. I am not cheating. It is Davidji's suggestions that I gladly follow. Davidji talks me through all the seven chakras. Calling them by name, their color, pointing out the issues involved, and chanting the seed sound connected with it. I feel the physical location of each chakra, and I "see" the color of it surrounding my body. I chant the sounds in unison with Davidji. It feels like I am tuning my energy system, like you would do with a musical instrument: Root chakra, red, grounding, "LAM"; Second chakra, orange, sexuality and creativity, "VAM"; Third chakra, yellow, will power, "RAM"; Heart chakra, green, unconditional love, "YAM"; Throat chakra, blue, truth, "HUM"; Third eye, purple "SHAM" (I must say that I get a little distracted here, since I have learned that the sound of this chakra would be "OM", but oh well..); Crown chakra, white, spiritual connection, "OM" (confusion again: "Isn't the sound here silence? As in: no sound? Okay, maybe I shouldn't be thinking and be quiet...".).
At the end of the meditation, it is as if there is a layer of energy hovering above my body. Like the mirage above the road on a hot day. I am not sure what it means, but it doesn't matter. It feels good, even though the meditation is different from what I have done in the past 18 days. There was no silence. No Gap to step into. No nothingness. Interestingly enough, the effect of the meditation is the same. I feel peaceful. And that is exactly what I am after anyways. Only two days more to go.
Stay tuned.
Marije
zondag 29 augustus 2010
August 29, 2010, Day 18
"Are there any patterns that you keep repeating and reinforcing that aren’t nourishing you?" It is as if today's email has kept track of what has been going on in my life the last couple of days. Yes, indeed. I did realize the other day, that the reason I was so pissed off had to do with a pattern I am repeating. Is this meditation challenge really creating such synchronicity?
I sit on my yoga block. Davidji explains that the number 18 has significant meaning. I am listening. It is interesting. But then again, I am drifting off. That Pavlov reaction. Subsequently, Davidji talks about the "action, memory, desire, action" sequence. I am listening, but not really. I am contemplating on the questions: "Who am I?" "What do I desire"?
I feel myself expanding. It seems that I don't have a body anymore. I have no boundaries. No limitations. I just sit and breath, feeling at peace and united with everything around me. I sit there comfortably for 18 minutes. My back doesn't even hurt.
Davidji is right: in order to transform the world I need to transform myself. I think I am working on it pretty well. Three more days to go.
Stay tuned.
Marije
I sit on my yoga block. Davidji explains that the number 18 has significant meaning. I am listening. It is interesting. But then again, I am drifting off. That Pavlov reaction. Subsequently, Davidji talks about the "action, memory, desire, action" sequence. I am listening, but not really. I am contemplating on the questions: "Who am I?" "What do I desire"?
I feel myself expanding. It seems that I don't have a body anymore. I have no boundaries. No limitations. I just sit and breath, feeling at peace and united with everything around me. I sit there comfortably for 18 minutes. My back doesn't even hurt.
Davidji is right: in order to transform the world I need to transform myself. I think I am working on it pretty well. Three more days to go.
Stay tuned.
Marije
zaterdag 28 augustus 2010
August 28, 2010, Day 17
No RPM (Rise Pee Meditate), but quite a meditative morning anyway. I was at the beach at 6:15 a.m. to watch the sunrise. Back at home I read Day 17's email, did an hour of yoga and then meditated. I guess my intention for my meditation today was somehow picked-up by Davidji (or vice versa): my internal reference point is my own spirit. That's what it's all about. And thus today's meditation.
I seem to have this Pavlov reaction now: as soon as I sit on the floor in my "meditation pose" and close my eyes, I meditate. Davidji is speaking wise words, about how my happiness is not dependent on any external sources. I am either happy from within, or not. This makes sense. Actually, I know this is a profound truth. I try to live by it as good as I can. Although sometimes it is hard. Having said that, I soon drift off. I am floating. Tuning into myself.
"I am. I am. I am." I repeat the mantra and feel it swinging back and forth inside. As if there is a swing in my head. In a good way. It feels really good, actually. I just am.
I could have stayed in the meditation for another hour. When Davidji spoke the "Aham Brahmasmi", I had to get up though. When I am getting my scheduled massage after the meditation, where I also was two weeks ago, I notice that I feel different. I am not sure what "different" is in this sense. But I certainly feel that it has something to do with these 17 days of meditation. I wonder what I will feel like after Day 21...
Stay tuned.
Marije
I seem to have this Pavlov reaction now: as soon as I sit on the floor in my "meditation pose" and close my eyes, I meditate. Davidji is speaking wise words, about how my happiness is not dependent on any external sources. I am either happy from within, or not. This makes sense. Actually, I know this is a profound truth. I try to live by it as good as I can. Although sometimes it is hard. Having said that, I soon drift off. I am floating. Tuning into myself.
"I am. I am. I am." I repeat the mantra and feel it swinging back and forth inside. As if there is a swing in my head. In a good way. It feels really good, actually. I just am.
I could have stayed in the meditation for another hour. When Davidji spoke the "Aham Brahmasmi", I had to get up though. When I am getting my scheduled massage after the meditation, where I also was two weeks ago, I notice that I feel different. I am not sure what "different" is in this sense. But I certainly feel that it has something to do with these 17 days of meditation. I wonder what I will feel like after Day 21...
Stay tuned.
Marije
vrijdag 27 augustus 2010
August 27, 2010, Day 16
Today's email talks about emotional release. About the fact that meditating on a daily basis can bring up some forgotten sadness or unresolved issues. Well, I don't know that my pissed off state-of-mind yesterday is a result of my daily meditations. And if it is related to an unresolved issue, so be it. Anyhow, I feel better today. Especially when I read that the meditation of Day 16 will explore the power of the archetypes. I have read about that in one of Deepak Chopra's books and I am excited to try it.
After a half hour of yoga stretches, I sit comfortably against the couch. Davidji introduces the archetypes meditation. As I understand it, an archetype is a (mythical) role model, that will help me clarify the physical, emotional, and spiritual qualities that I value and want to cultivate in my life. My first assignment is to think about a person that I admire for what he or she does or has accomplished. Who do I admire? And for what? Shiva Rea comes to mind, Barack Obama, Elizabeth Gilbert, Deepak Chopra. They all have inspired millions of people with their yoga practice, determination to change the world for the better, books, insights and spiritual wisdom. I want to inspire too. Preferably the whole world.
What emotional state-of-mind would I like to have? Who portrays such emotions? I know pretty sure now, that I want to feel peace inside. I want to be peaceful. The first image I see in my mind's eye is that of the Buddha. He is the quintessential peacefulness. At least as far as I'm concerned. So I guess he is one of my archetypes too. What is my spiritual archetype? Is there a person that has or had such a connection with Spirit that makes me want to have that too? I am not a religious person, so to my surprise I think of Jesus Christ. Not necessarily the person who is described in the Bible, but the Christ energy he represents. A direct link to God, without reservation or second thoughts. And some direct intervention and guidance from "above" is always handy. I want that too. (I realize, that as a bonus I just answered the question of yesterday "What do I want?" Ha, I guess this challenge is really working!). Davidji continues to name other kinds of archetypes. He looses me very quickly. I just sit and tune into the music. The music has a rhythm and vibration that soothes me. I float. I feel peaceful.
After the meditation I wonder: do I need to look outside myself, wanting to be like someone else? If I am the Universe and they are too, I am them already. Right? So maybe I should only look at what traits I have that I would like to bring forward more. And maybe, it is more about the energy that those archetypes represent than that it is about the person. I guess I could tap into that energy and then make it my own. I think meditation would be a good way to go. Glad there are 5 days left.
Stay tuned.
Marije
After a half hour of yoga stretches, I sit comfortably against the couch. Davidji introduces the archetypes meditation. As I understand it, an archetype is a (mythical) role model, that will help me clarify the physical, emotional, and spiritual qualities that I value and want to cultivate in my life. My first assignment is to think about a person that I admire for what he or she does or has accomplished. Who do I admire? And for what? Shiva Rea comes to mind, Barack Obama, Elizabeth Gilbert, Deepak Chopra. They all have inspired millions of people with their yoga practice, determination to change the world for the better, books, insights and spiritual wisdom. I want to inspire too. Preferably the whole world.
What emotional state-of-mind would I like to have? Who portrays such emotions? I know pretty sure now, that I want to feel peace inside. I want to be peaceful. The first image I see in my mind's eye is that of the Buddha. He is the quintessential peacefulness. At least as far as I'm concerned. So I guess he is one of my archetypes too. What is my spiritual archetype? Is there a person that has or had such a connection with Spirit that makes me want to have that too? I am not a religious person, so to my surprise I think of Jesus Christ. Not necessarily the person who is described in the Bible, but the Christ energy he represents. A direct link to God, without reservation or second thoughts. And some direct intervention and guidance from "above" is always handy. I want that too. (I realize, that as a bonus I just answered the question of yesterday "What do I want?" Ha, I guess this challenge is really working!). Davidji continues to name other kinds of archetypes. He looses me very quickly. I just sit and tune into the music. The music has a rhythm and vibration that soothes me. I float. I feel peaceful.
After the meditation I wonder: do I need to look outside myself, wanting to be like someone else? If I am the Universe and they are too, I am them already. Right? So maybe I should only look at what traits I have that I would like to bring forward more. And maybe, it is more about the energy that those archetypes represent than that it is about the person. I guess I could tap into that energy and then make it my own. I think meditation would be a good way to go. Glad there are 5 days left.
Stay tuned.
Marije
donderdag 26 augustus 2010
August 26, 2010, Day 15
This morning, I still feel pissed off about something that happened last night. I know, that was yesterday and this is today, but still. I am pissed off. I don't even feel like meditating. I am in a challenge, however, and I am not a quitter, so I dutifully open my email. The email of today talks about the question "What do I want"? Well, I don't know what I want. Or actually, I do. I want to be pissed off. And I want the situation to be different. That's what I want.
I sit against the couch. Fortunately, Davidji doesn't ask me what I want. Instead, he talks about the mantra "So Hum Namah". I am still pissed off. I want to know what it means, but he doesn't tell. I just have to meditate with it and feel the vibrations. For heaven's sake, I start repeating the mantra. Davidji continues talking. It pisses me off. "So Hum Namah". I am trying. "So Hum Namah". He explains that the mantra will change while I meditate. It might get louder or fainter or anything else. "SHUT UP!!" If he doesn't stop talking the mantra is going to change for sure, but not in the sense he is talking about.
Eventually Davidji lets me do my thing. "So Hum Namah". I am trying but I don't really want to. I am still pissed off. My right leg starts to tinkle: it is falling asleep. Can't blame it. It is very distracting though. The tinkling becomes worse. I cannot concentrate on the mantra anymore and am completely focused on the annoying sensation in my leg. This is torture.
"Aham Brahmasmi". I have never been so glad to hear these words. Davidji ends the meditation and tells me I meditated for 10 minutes. 10 very long minutes. I am pretty sure that I wouldn't have continued this challenge if I had this meditation experience on the first day. The good news is, that I know that the meditating can be good. Tomorrow is another day. Let's hope for the best.
Stay tuned.
Marije
PS. I looked it up. The meaning of "So Hum Namah". It means: “Turning back to my true self”. I guess that didn't work out so well this morning. Or maybe it did. Which means I am just a grumpy person. Mmm, maybe I should meditate on that.
I sit against the couch. Fortunately, Davidji doesn't ask me what I want. Instead, he talks about the mantra "So Hum Namah". I am still pissed off. I want to know what it means, but he doesn't tell. I just have to meditate with it and feel the vibrations. For heaven's sake, I start repeating the mantra. Davidji continues talking. It pisses me off. "So Hum Namah". I am trying. "So Hum Namah". He explains that the mantra will change while I meditate. It might get louder or fainter or anything else. "SHUT UP!!" If he doesn't stop talking the mantra is going to change for sure, but not in the sense he is talking about.
Eventually Davidji lets me do my thing. "So Hum Namah". I am trying but I don't really want to. I am still pissed off. My right leg starts to tinkle: it is falling asleep. Can't blame it. It is very distracting though. The tinkling becomes worse. I cannot concentrate on the mantra anymore and am completely focused on the annoying sensation in my leg. This is torture.
"Aham Brahmasmi". I have never been so glad to hear these words. Davidji ends the meditation and tells me I meditated for 10 minutes. 10 very long minutes. I am pretty sure that I wouldn't have continued this challenge if I had this meditation experience on the first day. The good news is, that I know that the meditating can be good. Tomorrow is another day. Let's hope for the best.
Stay tuned.
Marije
PS. I looked it up. The meaning of "So Hum Namah". It means: “Turning back to my true self”. I guess that didn't work out so well this morning. Or maybe it did. Which means I am just a grumpy person. Mmm, maybe I should meditate on that.
woensdag 25 augustus 2010
August 25, 2010, Day 14
I stepped out of my routine this morning, and did an hour long yoga practice before I meditated. It almost felt like I had forgotten to brush my teeth. Fortunately, the Day-14-email reminded me that I am not my body, nor any other image I have of myself but pure consciousness. So I guess it is not such a big deal. Let's keep the focus on the bigger picture.
I sit against the couch, taking into account the mental note I made yesterday. It feels comfortable. I know that it is also the yoga practice that helps me sit on the floor more easily. Davidji talks. I don't really pay attention. I am having a lot of thoughts. To my surprise, I don't mind. I mean, having those thoughts. It doesn't upset me anymore, knowing that I just happen to experience one of the 3 possible when-you-meditate-this-is-what-happens options (as Davidji explained on Day 7). I just sit still with my eyes closed. I am surprised about the randomness of my thoughts though. They jump from making a hair dresser appointment in October (!!) to the list of things I have to do, and then to where we will have dinner tonight and... I don't even remember. Where are all these thoughts coming from? Who is thinking? Or, suddenly hearing Davidji's question: Who am I?
Inhale "Who am I"?, exhale "Who am I"? I repeat this questions without actually looking for, or expecting, an answer. Suddenly, it seems that my body it just a sheath with nothing in it. Like my skin is wrapped around a lot of nothing, and somewhere inside something is breathing. Who is breathing? Am I the one that breathes? Am I the nothingness? Somehow I know very sure that I am not the wrapper. So Davidji is right about that one: I am not my body. But what is that body without me, whatever that me may be? I experience the breathing, the nothingness. Nothingness and breathing. Whoever I am, "I" feels very peaceful.
Davidji ends the mediation way too early. I know I can stay in my breathing nothingness for as long as I want. But I must admit: it is also a little boring. All these thoughts are actually much more entertaining. I guess that makes "I" the one who is watching the thoughts as a funny show. I am still not sure where that "I" is residing though. Maybe I'll find out tomorrow.
Stay tuned.
Marije
I sit against the couch, taking into account the mental note I made yesterday. It feels comfortable. I know that it is also the yoga practice that helps me sit on the floor more easily. Davidji talks. I don't really pay attention. I am having a lot of thoughts. To my surprise, I don't mind. I mean, having those thoughts. It doesn't upset me anymore, knowing that I just happen to experience one of the 3 possible when-you-meditate-this-is-what-happens options (as Davidji explained on Day 7). I just sit still with my eyes closed. I am surprised about the randomness of my thoughts though. They jump from making a hair dresser appointment in October (!!) to the list of things I have to do, and then to where we will have dinner tonight and... I don't even remember. Where are all these thoughts coming from? Who is thinking? Or, suddenly hearing Davidji's question: Who am I?
Inhale "Who am I"?, exhale "Who am I"? I repeat this questions without actually looking for, or expecting, an answer. Suddenly, it seems that my body it just a sheath with nothing in it. Like my skin is wrapped around a lot of nothing, and somewhere inside something is breathing. Who is breathing? Am I the one that breathes? Am I the nothingness? Somehow I know very sure that I am not the wrapper. So Davidji is right about that one: I am not my body. But what is that body without me, whatever that me may be? I experience the breathing, the nothingness. Nothingness and breathing. Whoever I am, "I" feels very peaceful.
Davidji ends the mediation way too early. I know I can stay in my breathing nothingness for as long as I want. But I must admit: it is also a little boring. All these thoughts are actually much more entertaining. I guess that makes "I" the one who is watching the thoughts as a funny show. I am still not sure where that "I" is residing though. Maybe I'll find out tomorrow.
Stay tuned.
Marije
dinsdag 24 augustus 2010
August 24, 2010, Day 13
Today's email quotes Mick Jagger: “You can’t always get what you want. But if you try sometime, you just might find, you get what you need.” Maybe he meditates too? However it may be, I love it. Everything is always exactly as it's supposed to be and The Universe provides. I guess this also applies to the meditation topics in this challenge.
After my self designed 5-minute-yoga-practice, I think I can sit on my block to meditate. There is still that desire to be able to sit with an unsupported straight spine for hours. Where is that coming from? Is it the image of the Buddhist monks whispering in my mind that that is the way to do it? Anyway, I am sitting on my block and listen to Davidji. He talks about emotional freedom. Another great quote. From David Simon this time: "Transforming judgment into understanding allows peace to replace hostility. Understanding fosters forgiveness, which dissolves anger and fertilizes hope. This is the foundation of emotional freedom." Am I emotionally free? Davidji ties this in with forgiveness. Forgiving yourself for something you have done, said, or maybe not done and not said. Is there something I need to forgive myself for?
Maybe it is my convincing ego or I have a blind spot somewhere, but it I cannot think of anything that needs forgiveness. Is that wrong? Am I fooling myself? Do I refuse to look at my dark side? These are but a few of the thoughts that come up while Davidji keeps talking. He asks me to go into any emotional pain. I don't feel any emotional pain. I am in physical pain. My back hurts, which is quite distracting. I make a mental note to sit against the couch tomorrow. I just sit. Luckily by now, I do know that I am still meditating and I am not doing that wrong. Eventually, I decide that I have worked on myself so much and have done so many similar excersises, that it might just be I am not holding on to anything in the forgiveness section. Davidji suggests to make up a mantra that involves forgiveness.
Inhale "I forgive myself for not knowing what I need to forgive myself for", exhale "I forgive myself for not knowing what I need to forgive myself for". Inhale "I forgive myself for not knowing what I need to forgive myself for", exhale "I forgive myself for not knowing what I need to forgive myself for". The meditation today is not necessarily relaxing. I don't judge, I observe.
Day 13: maybe I just got what I needed.
Stay tuned.
Marije
After my self designed 5-minute-yoga-practice, I think I can sit on my block to meditate. There is still that desire to be able to sit with an unsupported straight spine for hours. Where is that coming from? Is it the image of the Buddhist monks whispering in my mind that that is the way to do it? Anyway, I am sitting on my block and listen to Davidji. He talks about emotional freedom. Another great quote. From David Simon this time: "Transforming judgment into understanding allows peace to replace hostility. Understanding fosters forgiveness, which dissolves anger and fertilizes hope. This is the foundation of emotional freedom." Am I emotionally free? Davidji ties this in with forgiveness. Forgiving yourself for something you have done, said, or maybe not done and not said. Is there something I need to forgive myself for?
Maybe it is my convincing ego or I have a blind spot somewhere, but it I cannot think of anything that needs forgiveness. Is that wrong? Am I fooling myself? Do I refuse to look at my dark side? These are but a few of the thoughts that come up while Davidji keeps talking. He asks me to go into any emotional pain. I don't feel any emotional pain. I am in physical pain. My back hurts, which is quite distracting. I make a mental note to sit against the couch tomorrow. I just sit. Luckily by now, I do know that I am still meditating and I am not doing that wrong. Eventually, I decide that I have worked on myself so much and have done so many similar excersises, that it might just be I am not holding on to anything in the forgiveness section. Davidji suggests to make up a mantra that involves forgiveness.
Inhale "I forgive myself for not knowing what I need to forgive myself for", exhale "I forgive myself for not knowing what I need to forgive myself for". Inhale "I forgive myself for not knowing what I need to forgive myself for", exhale "I forgive myself for not knowing what I need to forgive myself for". The meditation today is not necessarily relaxing. I don't judge, I observe.
Day 13: maybe I just got what I needed.
Stay tuned.
Marije
maandag 23 augustus 2010
August 23, 2010, Day 12
The Meditation Challenge has reached its peak and we are gradually going downhill to the finish line. The finish in this case, however, is not the end of the journey where I will collapse and am glad it is finally over. The finish line is just the beginning. The first day of my life in which meditation is as natural as brushing my teeth. At least that is what Davidji says. And I believe him.
I am gentle with myself and sit against the couch. This is one thing that I have learned during this challenge. When the meditation is longer than 10 minutes, I have to make sure that I am truely comfortable. If I am not, I get distracted by the aching muscles in my back that is still not completely healed. My ego might tell me that I am not a true yogini, or meditator for that matter, if I cannot sit up straight unsupported. Well, I smile at my ego and tell it its suggestion is appreciated but that I am not following it. Today's meditation happens to be about the ego. Davidji confirms that the ego is not something to be killed, but to be embraced and understood. While my mind is listening to Davidji, I notice that another part of me (is that my Eternal Self?) is tuning into the singing bowls in the background and meditates.
I inhale Infinite Possibilities and let go on the exhale. I inhale Abundance and exhale No. I inhale Creativity and exhale Constriction. I feel myself expanding. My whole body seems to be growing with every inhale of greatness. Despite Davidji's continuous talking, I feel silent inside. I cannot believe that I have been sitting for almost 17 minutes when he seals the meditation.
I wonder if I will be able to sit like that for 30 minutes. Is that my ego again?? I have another 9 days to find out. Make that the rest of my life.
Stay tuned.
Marije
I am gentle with myself and sit against the couch. This is one thing that I have learned during this challenge. When the meditation is longer than 10 minutes, I have to make sure that I am truely comfortable. If I am not, I get distracted by the aching muscles in my back that is still not completely healed. My ego might tell me that I am not a true yogini, or meditator for that matter, if I cannot sit up straight unsupported. Well, I smile at my ego and tell it its suggestion is appreciated but that I am not following it. Today's meditation happens to be about the ego. Davidji confirms that the ego is not something to be killed, but to be embraced and understood. While my mind is listening to Davidji, I notice that another part of me (is that my Eternal Self?) is tuning into the singing bowls in the background and meditates.
I inhale Infinite Possibilities and let go on the exhale. I inhale Abundance and exhale No. I inhale Creativity and exhale Constriction. I feel myself expanding. My whole body seems to be growing with every inhale of greatness. Despite Davidji's continuous talking, I feel silent inside. I cannot believe that I have been sitting for almost 17 minutes when he seals the meditation.
I wonder if I will be able to sit like that for 30 minutes. Is that my ego again?? I have another 9 days to find out. Make that the rest of my life.
Stay tuned.
Marije
zondag 22 augustus 2010
August 22, 2010, Day 11
After a long nice morning in bed, I looked at the clock. It was 11:11... I guess today's email is right in saying that the powerful benefits and miracles of meditation happen when you’re not meditating.
Day 11's meditation doesn't start of miraculously though. Davidji is talking from my laptop, which is too far away from me because it needs to be charged, while the washing machine upstairs is making a lot of noise. I try to ignore the rattling and focus on what Davidji is saying. I have a hard time hearing him. I get frustrated because I want to follow Davidji's guidance, but I can't, and annoyed that I am not having a joyful experience. I have a hard time breathing deeply. Even though I might have heard Davidji say to surrender to whatever is going on in the moment, I stop the audio. I like this meditation experience to be joyful. B. (who is meditating with me) turns off the washing machine. I hit "play" again.
After all this turmoil I try to become quiet inside. I am sitting in my familiar meditation position, listening to Davidji's instruction to feel myself lifting off and fly. "Surrender completely". This cue has the opposite effect on me. When I surrender completely, I feel myself sinking into the ground. My hips and legs are relaxing and becoming very heavy. I am accepting and embracing my presence her on Earth. I don't want to fly.
Davidji suggests to let go of this experience and take a deep breath in and out. Suddenly, I feel myself expanding. As if my mind is becoming larger and larger and my head is crown-less. I am connected to The Universe and The Universe to me. I am The Universe. I am not thinking it, I experience it. I am infinite, eternal and whole.
"Aham Brahmashmi". Davidji ends the meditation by repeating "I am the Universe". I suppose he and I just met in The Gap... I notice that my breathing has changed and that I can inhale deeply and freely. This is very joyful.
Later in the afternoon, B. and I walk on the beach. The ocean is turbulent. The sound of the waves is pounding and soothing at the same time. We both think it is a great sound to meditate to. We do a walking meditation: one of us walks with their eyes closed and the other makes sure that the meditator doesn't step onto a rock or walks into the water. The first time that I walk with my eyes closed I notice a curious split inside. A part of me wants to walk forward and surrender, while another part is literally holding back and makes me slow down. Is this the trick my mind plays when I am moving on in my life, sometimes not knowing where my path will bring me? We have changed direction and are walking against the wind when it is my turn again. Maybe it is because I am walking in the dark for the third time, but it seems to be easier now. I surrender to the unknown and keep walking. Or maybe it is the force of the wind pushing me back that makes me want to charge forward?
Indeed, the results of the meditations are presenting themselves throughout the day.
It is 11:11 p.m...
Stay tuned.
Marije
Day 11's meditation doesn't start of miraculously though. Davidji is talking from my laptop, which is too far away from me because it needs to be charged, while the washing machine upstairs is making a lot of noise. I try to ignore the rattling and focus on what Davidji is saying. I have a hard time hearing him. I get frustrated because I want to follow Davidji's guidance, but I can't, and annoyed that I am not having a joyful experience. I have a hard time breathing deeply. Even though I might have heard Davidji say to surrender to whatever is going on in the moment, I stop the audio. I like this meditation experience to be joyful. B. (who is meditating with me) turns off the washing machine. I hit "play" again.
After all this turmoil I try to become quiet inside. I am sitting in my familiar meditation position, listening to Davidji's instruction to feel myself lifting off and fly. "Surrender completely". This cue has the opposite effect on me. When I surrender completely, I feel myself sinking into the ground. My hips and legs are relaxing and becoming very heavy. I am accepting and embracing my presence her on Earth. I don't want to fly.
Davidji suggests to let go of this experience and take a deep breath in and out. Suddenly, I feel myself expanding. As if my mind is becoming larger and larger and my head is crown-less. I am connected to The Universe and The Universe to me. I am The Universe. I am not thinking it, I experience it. I am infinite, eternal and whole.
"Aham Brahmashmi". Davidji ends the meditation by repeating "I am the Universe". I suppose he and I just met in The Gap... I notice that my breathing has changed and that I can inhale deeply and freely. This is very joyful.
Later in the afternoon, B. and I walk on the beach. The ocean is turbulent. The sound of the waves is pounding and soothing at the same time. We both think it is a great sound to meditate to. We do a walking meditation: one of us walks with their eyes closed and the other makes sure that the meditator doesn't step onto a rock or walks into the water. The first time that I walk with my eyes closed I notice a curious split inside. A part of me wants to walk forward and surrender, while another part is literally holding back and makes me slow down. Is this the trick my mind plays when I am moving on in my life, sometimes not knowing where my path will bring me? We have changed direction and are walking against the wind when it is my turn again. Maybe it is because I am walking in the dark for the third time, but it seems to be easier now. I surrender to the unknown and keep walking. Or maybe it is the force of the wind pushing me back that makes me want to charge forward?
Indeed, the results of the meditations are presenting themselves throughout the day.
It is 11:11 p.m...
Stay tuned.
Marije
zaterdag 21 augustus 2010
August 21, 2010, Day 10
I am almost halfway through the challenge. As I wrote earlier, I already notice a difference in my meditations. The biggest triumph of which (Davidji requested me to name it) is that I'm more gentle with myself. I am not judging myself anymore for the fact that I am having these thoughts all the time. I have noticed also, that there seems to be a difference between having thoughts and thinking. I do the thinking deliberately. The thoughts just come. That makes me wonder. What are these thoughts? Whose are they?
I sit on my yoga block with my eyes closed. Davidji is talking (no video today). My attention wanders off. Another challenge presents itself (and maybe it's my biggest challenge, now that I think of it, and not just when I meditate): to stay in the present moment. Davidji explains about the physical, subtle and causal bodies. I almost write "my" physical, subtle and causal bodies, but Davidji reminds me this morning that this is not who I am. I might think I am, but I am not. This is interesting. Another synchronicity presents itself: earlier this morning I was reading in the Course in Miracles. The lesson of the day is, that everything I see is just the image I make of it. In other words: nothing is what I think I see and I am not who I think I am. Are you following me?
"So Hum So Hum", as per Davidji's directions I stop repeating these words in my mind but just breathe. My breath is actually making a "So" sound on the inhale and a "Hum" sound on the exhale. This makes it a lot easier. The mantra and my breath collide. For a short moment I am in The Gap. Then my thoughts are back and I drift off. When Davidji ends my meditation I sit still for another few moments. I feel silent.
I wanted to win something in this challenge. I have already won, even before the challenge is over. It's not about winning anymore. I just like to sit still with my eyes closed. I'll do it again tomorrow.
Stay tuned.
Marije
PS. Sure enough, when I turned on the light at the bed side table last night, the alarm clock said 11:11...
I sit on my yoga block with my eyes closed. Davidji is talking (no video today). My attention wanders off. Another challenge presents itself (and maybe it's my biggest challenge, now that I think of it, and not just when I meditate): to stay in the present moment. Davidji explains about the physical, subtle and causal bodies. I almost write "my" physical, subtle and causal bodies, but Davidji reminds me this morning that this is not who I am. I might think I am, but I am not. This is interesting. Another synchronicity presents itself: earlier this morning I was reading in the Course in Miracles. The lesson of the day is, that everything I see is just the image I make of it. In other words: nothing is what I think I see and I am not who I think I am. Are you following me?
"So Hum So Hum", as per Davidji's directions I stop repeating these words in my mind but just breathe. My breath is actually making a "So" sound on the inhale and a "Hum" sound on the exhale. This makes it a lot easier. The mantra and my breath collide. For a short moment I am in The Gap. Then my thoughts are back and I drift off. When Davidji ends my meditation I sit still for another few moments. I feel silent.
I wanted to win something in this challenge. I have already won, even before the challenge is over. It's not about winning anymore. I just like to sit still with my eyes closed. I'll do it again tomorrow.
Stay tuned.
Marije
PS. Sure enough, when I turned on the light at the bed side table last night, the alarm clock said 11:11...
vrijdag 20 augustus 2010
August 20, 2010, Day 9
Like yesterday, today's meditation is about the senses. Meditating with nature. Davidji is going to take me to Batiquitos Lagoon near Carlsbad, where I can hear the wind, the birds and the swaying grass. I am excited already.
While I sit on my yoga block, Davidji is showing me the nature at Batiquitos Lagoon. It is beautiful. I almost want to keep watching the You Tube video I have in front of me, but still decide to close my eyes to see what will happen inside. I hear chirping birds. And more birds. It sounds sweet and soothing. I can almost smell the sweet fragrance of the sun drenched flowers. I sit and drift. Thoughts are floating in and out. I am so content knowing now that it is okay to have these thoughts and that I am still not doing "it" wrong. It is a completely different experience. I just sit and breathe. I feel, well, quiet. I guess that I don't need complete silence in my head to experience quietness inside. I just sit and breathe, for almost 10 minutes.
I don't know why I never "got it" before. I mean, the fact that having no thoughts is impossible. I have been pursuing an impossible mission. Good to know. For this reason alone, I think I have already won this challenge. Moreover, I am noticing subtle effects of the meditating throughout the day. Or at least I like to think it is because of my daily meditations. Synchronicities, as Deepak Chopra calls them. I am aware of the fact that I am at the right time at the right place all the time. Even when I think I will be late, I am not. Every time I look at the clock, it seems to be 11:11. I think about something or someone and not much later the "something" happens or that person suddenly shows up. Whether is it a result of the meditations or not, who knows. It sure is nice though. I will just keep meditating. I will be there again tomorrow morning.
Stay tuned.
Marije
While I sit on my yoga block, Davidji is showing me the nature at Batiquitos Lagoon. It is beautiful. I almost want to keep watching the You Tube video I have in front of me, but still decide to close my eyes to see what will happen inside. I hear chirping birds. And more birds. It sounds sweet and soothing. I can almost smell the sweet fragrance of the sun drenched flowers. I sit and drift. Thoughts are floating in and out. I am so content knowing now that it is okay to have these thoughts and that I am still not doing "it" wrong. It is a completely different experience. I just sit and breathe. I feel, well, quiet. I guess that I don't need complete silence in my head to experience quietness inside. I just sit and breathe, for almost 10 minutes.
I don't know why I never "got it" before. I mean, the fact that having no thoughts is impossible. I have been pursuing an impossible mission. Good to know. For this reason alone, I think I have already won this challenge. Moreover, I am noticing subtle effects of the meditating throughout the day. Or at least I like to think it is because of my daily meditations. Synchronicities, as Deepak Chopra calls them. I am aware of the fact that I am at the right time at the right place all the time. Even when I think I will be late, I am not. Every time I look at the clock, it seems to be 11:11. I think about something or someone and not much later the "something" happens or that person suddenly shows up. Whether is it a result of the meditations or not, who knows. It sure is nice though. I will just keep meditating. I will be there again tomorrow morning.
Stay tuned.
Marije
donderdag 19 augustus 2010
August 19, 2010, Day 8
The focus of today's challenge is about the senses. Using the senses, rather than the breath or a mantra, to connect with nature, to the Source, to The Universe that is inside me and that connects us all. This morning I meditated at the ocean, or with the ocean, or maybe I was the ocean...
I sit on my yoga block and watch Davidji standing at the Pacific Ocean. I mean, I really see him. He is in a You Tube video on my computer. He amuses me. I laugh. He speaks only briefly and then lets me meditate. With the ocean. I meditate with the sounds of the ocean in my ears. Nothing else. I love it. It is like the waves are washing my mind clear. I do have an occasional thought, but it just drifts away with the water. I sit still. I feel compassion for myself, for my thoughts. I sit and I meditate. And it is all good.
When Davidji invites me to open my eyes, I feel refreshed. I feel awake and ready for the day. I feel a giggle inside. I feel happy. I want to do this everyday.
Stay tuned.
Marije
I sit on my yoga block and watch Davidji standing at the Pacific Ocean. I mean, I really see him. He is in a You Tube video on my computer. He amuses me. I laugh. He speaks only briefly and then lets me meditate. With the ocean. I meditate with the sounds of the ocean in my ears. Nothing else. I love it. It is like the waves are washing my mind clear. I do have an occasional thought, but it just drifts away with the water. I sit still. I feel compassion for myself, for my thoughts. I sit and I meditate. And it is all good.
When Davidji invites me to open my eyes, I feel refreshed. I feel awake and ready for the day. I feel a giggle inside. I feel happy. I want to do this everyday.
Stay tuned.
Marije
woensdag 18 augustus 2010
August 18, 2010, Day 7
On day 0 of the meditation challenge, I wrote that I want to win the battle with my blaring thoughts. I want to reach that point where there is complete silence inside. Well, the bad news is, as I learned today: when I have no thoughts I'm dead. There is no such thing as not having thoughts. Ever. Not even while meditating in a cave for 100 days. In my daily email I read that a "good" meditation does not mean I reach Nirvana, see the Buddha or meet God while I am meditating. Actually, meditation is always good, just because of the mere fact that I am meditating. At least that is what the email says. I guess I lost another illusion today...
I take my meditation position, seated up right against the couch. Davidji's voice sounds so familiar now. He too, reassures me that having thoughts while I meditate doesn't mean I am doing it wrong. There are only 3 things that can happen during meditation: 1. I have thoughts; 2. I fall asleep; 3. I fall in The Gap, uuuh I mean: I experience silence, known as The Gap. The Gap is the silence in between 2 thoughts (so you see, there are still thoughts!). The good news is: I never fall asleep during meditation, simply because I cannot sleep seated. So that leaves just 2 possible experiences. That makes is easier! I guess I am already thinking a lot during these few moments of mediation.
All of a sudden Davidji is silent. As if he lets go of my hand and I have to swim on my own. Alone in the darkness. My thoughts hide. Now that they know they are allowed to be there, they don't find it fun anymore to distract me. It is almost silent. "So Hum. So Hum". My thoughts are passing by. They are like people that walk by my window. I acknowledge them, but I don't need to say "Hi" to everyone. I feel peaceful.
I believe now, that meditation is about the intention to focus, rather than having complete silence in my head. And then suddenly during the day, in the midst of big turmoil, I might experience stillness. I'd sign up for that. Good there are still 14 days of the challenge left.
Stay tuned.
Marije
I take my meditation position, seated up right against the couch. Davidji's voice sounds so familiar now. He too, reassures me that having thoughts while I meditate doesn't mean I am doing it wrong. There are only 3 things that can happen during meditation: 1. I have thoughts; 2. I fall asleep; 3. I fall in The Gap, uuuh I mean: I experience silence, known as The Gap. The Gap is the silence in between 2 thoughts (so you see, there are still thoughts!). The good news is: I never fall asleep during meditation, simply because I cannot sleep seated. So that leaves just 2 possible experiences. That makes is easier! I guess I am already thinking a lot during these few moments of mediation.
All of a sudden Davidji is silent. As if he lets go of my hand and I have to swim on my own. Alone in the darkness. My thoughts hide. Now that they know they are allowed to be there, they don't find it fun anymore to distract me. It is almost silent. "So Hum. So Hum". My thoughts are passing by. They are like people that walk by my window. I acknowledge them, but I don't need to say "Hi" to everyone. I feel peaceful.
I believe now, that meditation is about the intention to focus, rather than having complete silence in my head. And then suddenly during the day, in the midst of big turmoil, I might experience stillness. I'd sign up for that. Good there are still 14 days of the challenge left.
Stay tuned.
Marije
dinsdag 17 augustus 2010
August 17, 2010, Day 6
As I mentioned earlier, I am starting to get into the routine of morning meditation. The e-mail for Day 6 of the challenge talks exactly about that; creating a ritual and making my meditation practice as indispensable as brushing my teeth. I still hope I will get to that point, which I think I will. Or rather to the point where I will mediate 30 minutes every morning AND every night. I wonder...
I do some yoga stretching before I start the meditation. It wakes up my body and loosens my hips and legs so I can sit more comfortably on the floor. To my surprise Davidji doesn't talk about the ritual. Instead, he talks about celebration. Again, the challenge comes in unexpected ways. I compose myself and don't hang on to the ritual idea. I scan my body from my toes to my head, as directed by Davidji. My body feels warm and present. Just when I am getting really comfortable, Davidji asks me to think about something I am holding onto, a resentment, a grudge. I feel anger coming up. I am instructed to not do anything with this feeling, so I let it go. I try to let it go. I want to let it go. "Let go. Let go!" In the meantime, Davidji talks about being grateful. I don't listen. "Mmm, I still feel anger. I should let it go."
Then, there is silence. I mean, Davidji stops talking. I am still wrapped in thoughts and my thoughts are loud. I don't even make it to be still inside before the meditation is over. I guess this is also a challenge in letting go. I am still on my way to creating a ritual, even though there was no stillness today. I will do my best again tomorrrow.
Stay tuned.
Marije
I do some yoga stretching before I start the meditation. It wakes up my body and loosens my hips and legs so I can sit more comfortably on the floor. To my surprise Davidji doesn't talk about the ritual. Instead, he talks about celebration. Again, the challenge comes in unexpected ways. I compose myself and don't hang on to the ritual idea. I scan my body from my toes to my head, as directed by Davidji. My body feels warm and present. Just when I am getting really comfortable, Davidji asks me to think about something I am holding onto, a resentment, a grudge. I feel anger coming up. I am instructed to not do anything with this feeling, so I let it go. I try to let it go. I want to let it go. "Let go. Let go!" In the meantime, Davidji talks about being grateful. I don't listen. "Mmm, I still feel anger. I should let it go."
Then, there is silence. I mean, Davidji stops talking. I am still wrapped in thoughts and my thoughts are loud. I don't even make it to be still inside before the meditation is over. I guess this is also a challenge in letting go. I am still on my way to creating a ritual, even though there was no stillness today. I will do my best again tomorrrow.
Stay tuned.
Marije
maandag 16 augustus 2010
August 16, 2010, Day 5
Still a bit sleepy I open my e-mail. Day 5's challenge it to distinguish between attention and intention. Attention is where I direct my energy, intention is what I want to create with that directed energy. Imagine that a friend and I are having dessert. I happen to love strawberries and they bring about fond memories from when I was a child. My friend, however, is allergic to strawberries and gets an awful rash when she eats them. The dessert that is served to us turns out to be strawberries. My reaction is "Yum!", while my friend cries out in agony that she doesn't want to eat them. Both our attention is on the strawberries. My intention is a good one, my friend's a negative. They are still the same strawberries though.
I sit straight up against the couch. I have found it to be a comfortable spot, as long as my back is not completely healed. Davidji's voice streams out of my laptop. He explains the attention/intention concept. Thereupon, he starts to name different items. I direct my attention to the words and choose my intention. I create either a "Yum" or a "Yuck", depending on the item and, more importantly, my intention. The words come in a random variety: clouds "Yum", small dogs "Yum", the color blue "Yum", the ocean "Yum", giraffes "Yum", cell phones "Yum or maybe yuck..", sunshine "Yum", cold "Well, yum in the summer and yuck in the winter..". I realize that every item is not intrinsically "yum" or "yuck". The small dogs can be "yuck" when they bark all the time. The cell phone is "yuck" when someone is talking on it while driving and causes an accident. Davidji continues with his list: apple, beer, tequila, waterfall, change in your pocket. I notice that I don't want to continue labeling all these words. It is so clear to me that it is just my projection that makes them either "yum" or "yuck". I actually stop doing it.
I focus om my breathing and let Davidji talk in the background. I feel like I am floating and somehow I find myself reaching for the So Hum mantra. Then, I hear Davidji suggesting to go back to the So Hum mantra. I guess I am making progress. Again, I find the So Hum meditation to be too short. Maybe I'll do some more later in the day! I think I am really under the meditation spell now. For sure, I will be there with Davidji tomorrow morning.
Stay tuned.
Marije
I sit straight up against the couch. I have found it to be a comfortable spot, as long as my back is not completely healed. Davidji's voice streams out of my laptop. He explains the attention/intention concept. Thereupon, he starts to name different items. I direct my attention to the words and choose my intention. I create either a "Yum" or a "Yuck", depending on the item and, more importantly, my intention. The words come in a random variety: clouds "Yum", small dogs "Yum", the color blue "Yum", the ocean "Yum", giraffes "Yum", cell phones "Yum or maybe yuck..", sunshine "Yum", cold "Well, yum in the summer and yuck in the winter..". I realize that every item is not intrinsically "yum" or "yuck". The small dogs can be "yuck" when they bark all the time. The cell phone is "yuck" when someone is talking on it while driving and causes an accident. Davidji continues with his list: apple, beer, tequila, waterfall, change in your pocket. I notice that I don't want to continue labeling all these words. It is so clear to me that it is just my projection that makes them either "yum" or "yuck". I actually stop doing it.
I focus om my breathing and let Davidji talk in the background. I feel like I am floating and somehow I find myself reaching for the So Hum mantra. Then, I hear Davidji suggesting to go back to the So Hum mantra. I guess I am making progress. Again, I find the So Hum meditation to be too short. Maybe I'll do some more later in the day! I think I am really under the meditation spell now. For sure, I will be there with Davidji tomorrow morning.
Stay tuned.
Marije
zondag 15 augustus 2010
August 15, 2010, Day 4
My head is a little foggy this morning when I go downstairs. However, the after math of last night's bachelorette party of a friend doesn't preclude me from wanting to meditate. I look forward to hearing Davidji's soothing voice. The meditation spell has already been casted on me. What am I supposed to do after the challenge when I'll have to meditate on my own? I realize that this thought has nothing to do with the present moment. I guess the challenge presents itself in more than one way.
I sit down with my back against the couch. It feels comfortable. I do not want to get too attached to my yoga block. I am trying to become an all-round meditator, who can do it anywhere, anytime. Davidji starts of to explain the meaning of the word "mantra", which is "mind instrument". While focusing on a mantra that has no meaning (other than the word "strawberry" of yesterday), the mind stays occupied. The mind can play the mantra, so to speak. Of course, I will still have thoughts, Davidji reminds me, but I will always have the anchor of the mantra to swim back to. That sounds reassuring. When Davidji says that I will be meditating on a mantra now, my mind starts to worry. "Not the So Hum mantra, please! That wasn't working too well when I tried it for a week, after reading one of Deepak's books." Sure enough, Davidji presents the So Hum mantra and offers me to try it.
Inhale "So", exhale "Hum", inhale "So", exhale "Mmm, this isn't so bad. What is he saying now? Oh, he is still talking. Wasn't I supposed to start yet?" Inhale "Ok, back to the mantra", exhale "Hum". "So Hum So Hum". I hear Davidji's voice in the background, but I am not really listening. "So Hum So Hum". I feel peaceful and my mind even gets sort of quiet. Just for a short moment. The meditation is already over. I could have stayed in the meditation. Maybe for another 10 minutes or even longer. I shouldn't challenge myself too much though and open my eyes. This whole challenge is a challenge enough by itself. What if I get to a point that I'm fed up with it? Better not push it too hard. I can't wait till tomorrow.
Stay tuned.
Marije
I sit down with my back against the couch. It feels comfortable. I do not want to get too attached to my yoga block. I am trying to become an all-round meditator, who can do it anywhere, anytime. Davidji starts of to explain the meaning of the word "mantra", which is "mind instrument". While focusing on a mantra that has no meaning (other than the word "strawberry" of yesterday), the mind stays occupied. The mind can play the mantra, so to speak. Of course, I will still have thoughts, Davidji reminds me, but I will always have the anchor of the mantra to swim back to. That sounds reassuring. When Davidji says that I will be meditating on a mantra now, my mind starts to worry. "Not the So Hum mantra, please! That wasn't working too well when I tried it for a week, after reading one of Deepak's books." Sure enough, Davidji presents the So Hum mantra and offers me to try it.
Inhale "So", exhale "Hum", inhale "So", exhale "Mmm, this isn't so bad. What is he saying now? Oh, he is still talking. Wasn't I supposed to start yet?" Inhale "Ok, back to the mantra", exhale "Hum". "So Hum So Hum". I hear Davidji's voice in the background, but I am not really listening. "So Hum So Hum". I feel peaceful and my mind even gets sort of quiet. Just for a short moment. The meditation is already over. I could have stayed in the meditation. Maybe for another 10 minutes or even longer. I shouldn't challenge myself too much though and open my eyes. This whole challenge is a challenge enough by itself. What if I get to a point that I'm fed up with it? Better not push it too hard. I can't wait till tomorrow.
Stay tuned.
Marije
August 14, 2010, Day 3
This morning I found out that we have between 60,000 and 80,000 thoughts a day. That is what Davidji said, starting of the meditation this challenge Day 3. That is 1.2 thoughts per second. Also, I learned that it is therefore very normal to have thoughts while meditating. It is even a misconception that meditation will lead to not having thoughts. A simultaneous relief and disappointment. At least, I am not doing anything wrong when I have all those thoughts during my meditation. But my goal to have total silence in my mind seems a little far fetched now too. I am not giving up though, and I get comfortable on my yoga block (yes, I am trying it again).
Davidji talks about thoughts. It is oke to have thoughts. Even more so, he is going to say a word and I am allowed to think/meditate on it for a while. I anticipate thinking about the word God, or something similarly enlightening. That is why I burst out laughing when I hear him say the word "strawberry". For a moment I am so perplexed that my thoughts actually stop. Maybe that was the purpose? I am actually not sure what to think of. "Strawberry"? I guess just the wondering is thinking too. Now I get confused. "What am I supposed to do? O yeah, strawberry. Mmm..strawberry pie?" Then I think of my mom who loves strawberries and my thoughts run of.
Davidji brings me back and invites me to focus on the present. Stay in the moment and bring the past or the future back to it. It seems like such a waste not to be in the present, I catch myself thinking. "When I am not in the present but constantly thinking about what is yet to come, what all am I missing that is going on right now?" I notice the music, which I like. I start thinking that I might buy the CD. "Is that thinking about the future or not? I mean, it is about the music I am hearing right now, right?" I get confused again. Well, this really is a challenge, isn't it? Just to make sense of my own thoughts is hard already.
Then, I hear Davidji say that I am The Gap. The nothingness in between two thoughts, where there is silence. That is me. So if I am The Gap, who are my thoughts? I guess I have to keep meditating to find that out.
Stay tuned.
Marije
Davidji talks about thoughts. It is oke to have thoughts. Even more so, he is going to say a word and I am allowed to think/meditate on it for a while. I anticipate thinking about the word God, or something similarly enlightening. That is why I burst out laughing when I hear him say the word "strawberry". For a moment I am so perplexed that my thoughts actually stop. Maybe that was the purpose? I am actually not sure what to think of. "Strawberry"? I guess just the wondering is thinking too. Now I get confused. "What am I supposed to do? O yeah, strawberry. Mmm..strawberry pie?" Then I think of my mom who loves strawberries and my thoughts run of.
Davidji brings me back and invites me to focus on the present. Stay in the moment and bring the past or the future back to it. It seems like such a waste not to be in the present, I catch myself thinking. "When I am not in the present but constantly thinking about what is yet to come, what all am I missing that is going on right now?" I notice the music, which I like. I start thinking that I might buy the CD. "Is that thinking about the future or not? I mean, it is about the music I am hearing right now, right?" I get confused again. Well, this really is a challenge, isn't it? Just to make sense of my own thoughts is hard already.
Then, I hear Davidji say that I am The Gap. The nothingness in between two thoughts, where there is silence. That is me. So if I am The Gap, who are my thoughts? I guess I have to keep meditating to find that out.
Stay tuned.
Marije
vrijdag 13 augustus 2010
August 13, 2010, Day 2
The e-mail I received this morning with the meditation for Day 2, mentioned that this day could be the hardest. The excitement of Day 1 has faded and there is the apprehension whether this is actually going to work. Especially if the meditation on Day 1 didn't go as hoped for. I was actually looking forward to the meditation, but, just in case, I decided to take a different approach. I downloaded the meditation on my iPod, so I would have Davidji's guidance very close, and I left my yoga block on the side.
I get comfortable in a big cozy chair. Davidji's voice streams directly into both my ears, which makes it feel as if he is physically present and whispering over my shoulder. I like it. My breath and I flow on his voice. I like the music too. But then he points out that anticipating to reach enlightenment after just one day of meditation can be a little aggressive, and I am lost in thoughts. I notice that I don't like the use of the word "aggresive" here. It takes me out of the cozy feeling, it feels, well, aggressive. Then I realize that I am holding on to this one word, while he keeps talking about the breath, like the Buddhist monk who didn't want to carry a woman over the river. Back to the breathing.
I am thinking "I am breathing in" on the inhale and "I am breathing out" on the exhale, as directed by Davidji. This works. When I just focus on these four words, there seems to be no room in my mind for other thoughts. I like it. Sure enough, as soon as I realize this, my thoughts wonder of. I focus again. And it works. Since this is a challenge, and I like challenges, I decide once more to take a slightly different approach: "I am breathing in" on the inhale and "-" (silence) on the exhale. This works too. I like it. And then the other way around: silence and "I am breathing out". Maybe I am not supposed to do this? Am I not accepting "what is", and am I trying to change "what is" because I think I know better? Oh these thoughts!
Then, I feel calm and safe and try not to judge my little personal challenge. The meditation is over. Like yesterday, the meditation seems short. Yet today it was just long enough. I will not expect enlightenment over night, but I feel a genuine curiousity about how the rest of this challenge will unfold.
Stay tuned.
Marije
I get comfortable in a big cozy chair. Davidji's voice streams directly into both my ears, which makes it feel as if he is physically present and whispering over my shoulder. I like it. My breath and I flow on his voice. I like the music too. But then he points out that anticipating to reach enlightenment after just one day of meditation can be a little aggressive, and I am lost in thoughts. I notice that I don't like the use of the word "aggresive" here. It takes me out of the cozy feeling, it feels, well, aggressive. Then I realize that I am holding on to this one word, while he keeps talking about the breath, like the Buddhist monk who didn't want to carry a woman over the river. Back to the breathing.
I am thinking "I am breathing in" on the inhale and "I am breathing out" on the exhale, as directed by Davidji. This works. When I just focus on these four words, there seems to be no room in my mind for other thoughts. I like it. Sure enough, as soon as I realize this, my thoughts wonder of. I focus again. And it works. Since this is a challenge, and I like challenges, I decide once more to take a slightly different approach: "I am breathing in" on the inhale and "-" (silence) on the exhale. This works too. I like it. And then the other way around: silence and "I am breathing out". Maybe I am not supposed to do this? Am I not accepting "what is", and am I trying to change "what is" because I think I know better? Oh these thoughts!
Then, I feel calm and safe and try not to judge my little personal challenge. The meditation is over. Like yesterday, the meditation seems short. Yet today it was just long enough. I will not expect enlightenment over night, but I feel a genuine curiousity about how the rest of this challenge will unfold.
Stay tuned.
Marije
donderdag 12 augustus 2010
August 12, 2010, Day 1
This morning, I went downstairs excited. As if there was a Christmas present waiting for me. Instead of turning to my yoga practice first, I turned on my laptop to check my e-mail. "Guided meditation Day 1" was the subject of the email that was on top of my mailbox. The challenge had begun.
I sit down on my yoga block and straighten my spine, ready to start meditating. As a yoga teacher, I am used to sitting on a yoga block with a straight spine, even when I don't meditate. I think it looks very yogic. Davidji, who is guiding this meditation, starts talking. He keeps talking for a while, which starts to annoy me quickly. I am wishing he would stop talking. Then he suggests to take a comfortable seat. "You will not continue meditating when you are not comfortable", he remarked. "Aha", I thought, "Maybe that's why I have a hard time meditating longer than 5 minutes" (which is due to a car accident I got in a few months ago. Not an excuse, but certainly a reason for my discomfort). I move my yoga block towards a chair, so my lower back is supported. I am not doing yoga, after all.
Sitting against the chair, I look mindfully around the room, as directed by Davidji. I acknowledge the presence of the plants, the picture frames, the trees outside, and, "Mmm, I wonder what the weather will be like today, it looks kind of cloudy", my thoughts wonder of. Back to the mindfullness. I am guided to focus on my breathing. For a moment I am able to just feel the cool breath going in and the warm breath going out of my nose. "Wow, this is going pretty well", my mind interrupts, "I wonder for how long we are going to do this?"
An then it is over. Just when I think that I am "in it", the mediation comes to an end. I feel like I was fed a spoon of dessert but hadn't had the time to swallow it yet. Oh well. Tomorrow is another day. I'll get comfortable on my yoga block again and will see how it goes. I am excited already.
Stay tuned.
Marije
I sit down on my yoga block and straighten my spine, ready to start meditating. As a yoga teacher, I am used to sitting on a yoga block with a straight spine, even when I don't meditate. I think it looks very yogic. Davidji, who is guiding this meditation, starts talking. He keeps talking for a while, which starts to annoy me quickly. I am wishing he would stop talking. Then he suggests to take a comfortable seat. "You will not continue meditating when you are not comfortable", he remarked. "Aha", I thought, "Maybe that's why I have a hard time meditating longer than 5 minutes" (which is due to a car accident I got in a few months ago. Not an excuse, but certainly a reason for my discomfort). I move my yoga block towards a chair, so my lower back is supported. I am not doing yoga, after all.
Sitting against the chair, I look mindfully around the room, as directed by Davidji. I acknowledge the presence of the plants, the picture frames, the trees outside, and, "Mmm, I wonder what the weather will be like today, it looks kind of cloudy", my thoughts wonder of. Back to the mindfullness. I am guided to focus on my breathing. For a moment I am able to just feel the cool breath going in and the warm breath going out of my nose. "Wow, this is going pretty well", my mind interrupts, "I wonder for how long we are going to do this?"
An then it is over. Just when I think that I am "in it", the mediation comes to an end. I feel like I was fed a spoon of dessert but hadn't had the time to swallow it yet. Oh well. Tomorrow is another day. I'll get comfortable on my yoga block again and will see how it goes. I am excited already.
Stay tuned.
Marije
woensdag 11 augustus 2010
August 11, 2010, Day 0
I have signed-up for the 21-Day-Meditation-Challenge that is offered by the Chopra Center. The challenge will begin tomorrow, and I have decided to keep a blog about these 21 days. Why? Keep reading.
Every day, for 21 days, I will receive a meditation and instructions in my e-mail. Every day, for 21 days, I will meditate in accordance with these instructions, knowing that hundreds, maybe thousands, of people will be doing the same thing. Why is this called a challenge? And, more importantly, why am I doing this?
I am a lawyer, yoga teacher and Reconnective Healing/ Reconnection Practitioner. I am good at what I do, but let me be very honest here: I am not good at meditating. I am speaking from experience. Unless it is a guided meditation where I can let my imagination go wild, my mind is making too much noise to really enjoy just sitting still and do nothing, let alone experience any silence. Since I do not give up easily, I try to meditate every day, or at least several times a week. Sometimes for only 5 minutes, sometimes for 20 when the music I put on is really nice. But my thoughts are always so LOUD! I thought I could use some help.
The left part of my brain tells me that I should do this meditation challenge, because scientific research has shown time and again that meditating is very good for you. I want to be good. And since it is a challenge, maybe I will win something too. The teacher in me says that I am not a real yogini, if I am not able to meditate and have a quiet mind. The right part of my brain thinks that everything will be better when I can experience silence within.
So this is why I have signed-up. I want to win. I want to win that silence within. Luckily, I do not need to compete with anyone else but myself. I guess the whole challenge is to sit down and meditate, every day, for 21 days, and fight the battle with my blaring thoughts. We'll see who wins. I am ready. Let the challenge begin.
Stay tuned.
Marije
Every day, for 21 days, I will receive a meditation and instructions in my e-mail. Every day, for 21 days, I will meditate in accordance with these instructions, knowing that hundreds, maybe thousands, of people will be doing the same thing. Why is this called a challenge? And, more importantly, why am I doing this?
I am a lawyer, yoga teacher and Reconnective Healing/ Reconnection Practitioner. I am good at what I do, but let me be very honest here: I am not good at meditating. I am speaking from experience. Unless it is a guided meditation where I can let my imagination go wild, my mind is making too much noise to really enjoy just sitting still and do nothing, let alone experience any silence. Since I do not give up easily, I try to meditate every day, or at least several times a week. Sometimes for only 5 minutes, sometimes for 20 when the music I put on is really nice. But my thoughts are always so LOUD! I thought I could use some help.
The left part of my brain tells me that I should do this meditation challenge, because scientific research has shown time and again that meditating is very good for you. I want to be good. And since it is a challenge, maybe I will win something too. The teacher in me says that I am not a real yogini, if I am not able to meditate and have a quiet mind. The right part of my brain thinks that everything will be better when I can experience silence within.
So this is why I have signed-up. I want to win. I want to win that silence within. Luckily, I do not need to compete with anyone else but myself. I guess the whole challenge is to sit down and meditate, every day, for 21 days, and fight the battle with my blaring thoughts. We'll see who wins. I am ready. Let the challenge begin.
Stay tuned.
Marije
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