August 31, 2010, Day 20

Day 20 of the challenge. And a real challenge it is. When I am done with my yoga practice, B. says that there is no meditation email and that the meditation is not posted on the Chopra website either. I don't bother to check it and suggest we do our own meditation. After all, we are almost pros now. I put on the Brian Lobst's Sound Meditation track. The one with the singing bowls that Davidji uses all the time.

I sit on my block and take a deep breath in. While I exhale I settle for my meditation. This is the moment all my thoughts have been waiting for. No Davidji who distracts my mind  and keeps me from thinking. So there they are again: my thoughts. They fly around like butterflies. They don't have a steady direction but seem to be all over the place. I wonder if I can catch them with a butterfly net. But my thoughts run off, imagining a butterfly net and how I would catch them. "Mmm, if the thoughts are thinking about how they can be caught, who is catching them? And won't my thoughts always be quicker than the catcher? Who is there first? The thought, or the thought that wants to catch the thought? Oh, this gets confusing!" At least I know now, that I am still meditating. I mean, the fact that I am having all these thoughts doesn't mean I am not meditating. Actually, that is another thought I have: buried under all these thoughts must be the meditator somewhere. After almost 10 minutes, I imagine my head being this crystal ball with water that you can shake, and which makes the snow swirl around. Eventually, the snow settles and the water is clear again. It takes me these full 10 minutes to have the swirling thoughts in my head settle down. And then I have had enough. I say a silent "Aham Brahmasmi".

O my, how am I going to do this after the challenge is really over? How can I meditate with ease and without Davidji? I have one more day to practice.

Stay tuned.
Marije

PS. The irony is, that after I'm done and I check my email, it turns out that the Day 20 email was there all the time. I guess this was a cosmic test: to see whether I am ready for Life-after-the-Challenge...