August 24, 2010, Day 13

Today's email quotes Mick Jagger: “You can’t always get what you want. But if you try sometime, you just might find, you get what you need.” Maybe he meditates too? However it may be, I love it. Everything is always exactly as it's supposed to be and The Universe provides. I guess this also applies to the meditation topics in this challenge.

After my self designed 5-minute-yoga-practice, I think I can sit on my block to meditate. There is still that desire to be able to sit with an unsupported straight spine for hours. Where is that coming from? Is it the image of the Buddhist monks whispering in my mind that that is the way to do it? Anyway, I am sitting on my block and listen to Davidji. He talks about emotional freedom. Another great quote. From David Simon this time: "Transforming judgment into understanding allows peace to replace hostility. Understanding fosters forgiveness, which dissolves anger and fertilizes hope. This is the foundation of emotional freedom." Am I emotionally free? Davidji ties this in with forgiveness. Forgiving yourself for something you have done, said, or maybe not done and not said. Is there something I need to forgive myself for?

Maybe it is my convincing ego or I have a blind spot somewhere, but it I cannot think of anything that needs forgiveness. Is that wrong? Am I fooling myself? Do I refuse to look at my dark side? These are but a few of the thoughts that come up while Davidji keeps talking. He asks me to go into any emotional pain. I don't feel any emotional pain. I am in physical pain. My back hurts, which is quite distracting. I make a mental note to sit against the couch tomorrow. I just sit. Luckily by now, I do know that I am still meditating and I am not doing that wrong. Eventually, I decide that I have worked on myself so much and have done so many similar excersises, that it might just be I am not holding on to anything in the forgiveness section. Davidji suggests to make up a mantra that involves forgiveness.

Inhale "I forgive myself for not knowing what I need to forgive myself for", exhale "I forgive myself for not knowing what I need to forgive myself for". Inhale "I forgive myself for not knowing what I need to forgive myself for", exhale "I forgive myself for not knowing what I need to forgive myself for". The meditation today is not necessarily relaxing. I don't judge, I observe.

Day 13: maybe I just got what I needed.

Stay tuned.
Marije