August 26, 2010, Day 15

This morning, I still feel pissed off about something that happened last night. I know, that was yesterday and this is today, but still. I am pissed off. I don't even feel like meditating. I am in a challenge, however, and I am not a quitter, so I dutifully open my email. The email of today talks about the question "What do I want"? Well, I don't know what I want. Or actually, I do. I want to be pissed off. And I want the situation to be different. That's what I want.

I sit against the couch. Fortunately, Davidji doesn't ask me what I want. Instead, he talks about the mantra "So Hum Namah". I am still pissed off. I want to know what it means, but he doesn't tell. I just have to meditate with it and feel the vibrations. For heaven's sake, I start repeating the mantra. Davidji continues talking. It pisses me off. "So Hum Namah". I am trying. "So Hum Namah". He explains that the mantra will change while I meditate. It might get louder or fainter or anything else. "SHUT UP!!" If he doesn't stop talking the mantra is going to change for sure, but not in the sense he is talking about.

Eventually Davidji lets me do my thing. "So Hum Namah". I am trying but I don't really want to. I am still pissed off. My right leg starts to tinkle: it is falling asleep. Can't blame it. It is very distracting though. The tinkling becomes worse. I cannot concentrate on the mantra anymore and am completely focused on the annoying sensation in my leg. This is torture.

"Aham Brahmasmi". I have never been so glad to hear these words. Davidji ends the meditation and tells me I meditated for 10 minutes. 10 very long minutes. I am pretty sure that I wouldn't have continued this challenge if I had this meditation experience on the first day. The good news is, that I know that the meditating can be good. Tomorrow is another day. Let's hope for the best.

Stay tuned.
Marije

PS.  I looked it up. The meaning of "So Hum Namah". It means: “Turning back to my true self”. I guess that didn't work out so well this morning. Or maybe it did. Which means I am just a grumpy person. Mmm, maybe I should meditate on that.