September 1, 2010, Day 21

Today is the last day of the meditation challenge. Have I been looking forward to this day? Actually..., no. I have found it very convenient to sit and just listen to Davidji. Not only convenient, but also nice. Very nice. Davidji's voice has become so familiar now. Even though he annoyed me at times, his voice is always soothing and reassuring. So... I feel a bit nostalgic about this last day. And I am still not sure whether I can call myself a "good" meditator by now.

I sit against the couch with my iPod. My thoughts are with me. Davidji recites a poem by Rumi. The words are beautiful, but I miss half of them. I am not really paying attention. I am distracted. I am doing my best to stay focused. I am thinking about tomorrow: "How am I ever going to meditate for 30 minutes twice a day, as suggested by the Chopra Center, if I can't even do it for less time while holding Davidji's hand?" I remind myself that it is normal to have thoughts and that I am meditating anyway. "Okay, just inhale and exhale."

"Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?" No matter how often I repeat this question, I don't get an answer. I do know the answer though, but I think that that doesn't count. I mean, shouldn't the answer come from within? Or by way of some big revelation accompanied with bright flashing lights and heavenly fragrances?
"What do I want? What do I want? What do I want?" I want my leg to stop falling asleep. I want my thoughts to go away. I want to not answer the question. "What is my Dharma"? I give up. I know the answer to this question too. It's just not really working for me today. I want to sit and think about nothing. I breathe in and I breathe out.

"Aham Brahmasmi". There, Davidji just gave the answer. And with that, the 21-day-meditation-challenge has come to an end. It is bitter and sweet, good and bad, a relieve and a disappointment, a joy and a sorrow. It is what it is. Have I gotten from this experience what I expected, or hoped for? Have I won what I wanted to win? I think I have to meditate on these questions some more....

Stay tuned.
Marije